Sexual identity and disability
by Arne Fritzon
|
|
Sexual identity and disability
by Arne Fritzon |
 © WCC
|
My name is Arne Fritzson and I have been asked to write about disability and sexual identity. This is a very delicate subject since it deals with something that is very close to all of us. It is a very personal subject that we tend to approach from our own context, as we do with every other issue. My context is that I am a western, Swedish, ordained, middle-class white heterosexual man in my mid 30s. I lived on my own for many years, though I had a relationship with a woman earlier that broke up. For a little less than two years now, I have been fortunate to be in a new relationship. Both Karin and I are disabled. We both have cerebral palsy. We are both ordained in the Mission Covenant Church of Sweden. Karin is involved in youth work in a local parish and I am a pastor, presently working on a dissertation for a PhD. We are engaged and are right now planning our wedding. Female, male or disabled? That is a peculiar question, isn’t it? It seems almost to be a confusion of paradigms, doesn’t it? Disability is not a gender. It is a question of a person’s abilities, nothing else. Of course people with disabilities are men and women like everybody else. But maybe the question was not about people’s gender or abilities, but categories of public restrooms? For, at least in my country, there are often three categories of public restrooms: female, male and disabled. Some say that that is not how it should be. People with disabilities are women and men like everybody else, so why shouldn’t their restrooms be gender-specific, like other restrooms? That seems to be a good and progressive point. But the fact is that people with disabilities sometimes need assistance in restrooms by persons of the opposite sex. So it is much more convenient that their restrooms are not gender-specific. This example highlights some relevant points. First, it raises the issue of identity and how this is constructed, especially with relation to gender and disability. Second, it raises the question of communication and language. As our thoughts are formed by the language we use, how we name things is important. The third aspect is about assistance in intimate situations and how that forms our understanding of a person’s sexuality. First the question of identity. Often we think of identity as something quite stable. A person has an identity that will remain more or less the same over time unless something dramatic happens. But we can think of identity in much more dynamic terms. Our identity is shaped and reshaped in that constantly ongoing game we call communication. It is in our interaction with our fellow human beings that our identity is constituted. Our identities are vulnerable and can be hurt if our self understanding is unexpectedly challenged. Thus, we put our identities at stake when we communicate. I believe that this understanding of identity gives us a much better understanding of who we are as human beings. With this understanding, both our sexual identity and our identities as disabled people become harder to pinpoint. We have put the following questions: What do we mean with "sexual identity"? Is there a connection between our sexual identity and disability, and if such a connection exists, which I believe it does, how can we describe that? It is important to distinguish between "disability" and "handicap" because it helps us to see the difference between factors that cause handicaps, which we can alter by changing the environment of people with disabilities, and factors that are part of the person with a disability and that that person actually needs to find a way to cope with. As sexual beings persons with disabilities encounter many factors that cause handicaps. These may be practical problems that are amenable to technical solutions or other people’s prejudices about their capacity for living a sexual life, or even their own prejudices. In the field of sexuality, it is important to identify what causes handicaps for people with disabilities, and remove them. But because we are talking about identity, we need to address the more difficult question about the relation between a person’s disability and their sexual identity. Our sexuality is very personal and intimate. As biological beings, everything that is connected with the way we multiply touches to ourselves and our way of understanding ourselves. In the first chapter of Genesis, the first thing God said to the human beings He had created was "Multiply". That indicates how important sexual identity is for our understanding of what it means to be a human being. I believe that it explains why the topic of human sexuality has stirred up such strong reactions in churches and ecumenical bodies around the world. Disability issues also highlight our vulnerability as human beings. The topic of sexual identity and disability points to the fact that we as human beings are doubly vulnerable. At some point everyone has felt insecure in relation to their own sexuality and has asked themselves if they will find a partner and if they will be successful in their sexual life. Here, I think we are all the same, regardless of whether we have a disability or not. But if you live with a disability those questions take on a different dimension. If you do not find a partner or if your sexual life sometimes causes you frustration, you always wonder if it has anything to do with the disability. The possibility of asking that question makes a difference. Anyone who counsels persons with disabilities in this field should be aware of this. Of course, no one knows the answer. But even so, the question evokes feelings in people with disabilities that we must dare face. It is easy to claim that so many others who do not have a disability ask the same kind of questions and that it is not restricted to people with disabilities. |
The other thing is that your attitude makes a difference. Your chances of finding a partner diminish without hope. To hope, to expect that something can happen, that life can change for the better, is a first step towards realisation. With hope you open up to see possibilities and catch them as they come. Your dream person won’t just knock on your door one day wanting to start a relationship with you. If you want to meet someone you need to get out, meet people, take risks. In that process you’re likely to get hurt. Most of us do. But if you don’t take risks, you probably won’t meet someone who is right for you unless you’re very lucky.
When someone is attracted to someone else who is not attracted to them, they may blame themselves for not knowing better than to fall in love with someone who is impossible to get. In such cases, it helps to remind them that you don’t always choose who you are attrac-ted to, and that the ability to become attracted to another person is something good and necessary in order one day to be attracted to someone you actually will start a relationship with.
None of this is restricted to people with disabilities. It applies to anyone who wonders if they will have a partner. But when a person with disability asks if his or her disability will be a problem, we must be honest and say that it can be, and that even if not, it should be taken into consideration. A person who considers starting a relationship with someone with a disability may wonder what that disability will mean for their own every-day life. That disability will in fact also be his or her partner’s disability and that creates an inequality between the partners. Because the partner without the disability can choose to live without disability by ending the relationship.
Many persons with disabilities also ask themselves whether they want a partner with, or without, the same kind of disability as they have. To be two persons with disability in a relationship can of course cause practical problems. It can for instance, mean that the couple is more dependent on assistance. On the other hand, there will be an understanding of each other’s conditions that can be very helpful. To always have to explain the disability’s effects in every-day life can cause problems, at least at the beginning of a relationship.
When a person with a disability enters a relationship, whether with someone who also has a disability or not, the partners have to find out who they become together. How should they organise their life in a way that suits them? How should they share res-ponsibilities for their home? How will they plan their time so as to be able to both do things as a couple and thing on their own? If one or both need assistance, how will they cope with the fact that a third or fourth person will be in their home on a professional basis? In handling all those questions they have to take into account the limitations that the disability imposes on their life as a couple.
Among the aspects of a life together as a couple that they have to explore is how they will be together physically. A lot of disabilities do set limitations for what you can do together as a couple. But the joy of being together is not about being able to try all the different techniques. It is not a matter of athletic achievements. Physical life together is much more about the joy of being close, about tenderness and caring. A couple where one or both partners have a disability might need more time than others to find their way of being together and giving each other joy. In that respect, patience is important. The fact that you don’t always succeed the first or every time does not mean that you will always fail to accomplish what you want. Maybe you need to make mistakes in order to understand the way it works for you.
As for most couples where one or both partners has a disability will at some point have to face the question of whether they want a family. To be a parent with a disability can mean that you need to take a lot of special factors into consideration. In fact it raises so many problems that this would warrant a new article of its own. I only want to mention this issue here as it is, of course, an important part of a person’s sexual identity to be able to become a parent.
But again we should return to the question of what makes sexual identity special in relation to disabilities. And we have to accept that there is no easy answer to that question. To give simple answers on such matters is always to make life simpler than it is, to diminish its richness and to disregard its many nuances.
So on this question, our job is not simply to state the facts of life, but rather to seek a calm conversation that respects our differences without giving up our moral values and the vulnerability we all share in this field. This attitude can help us see that our sexual identity, with all the questions and ambiguities it involves, regardless of whether we live with or without a disability, is still a part of the richness of being a human being and a gift from a loving God.
Rev. Arne Fritzon from Sweden is a pastor in the Mission Covenant Church of Sweden. He is presently working on a thesis for a Ph.D. in systematic theology at Uppsala University. He is part of the core team of the Ecumenical Disability Network (EDAN).